I want to share a little bit more about me and my story. It's a journey of healing and self discovery, and I hope those of you who read this might find encouragement and inspiration.
I am not subtle. I am tall. I am loud. I am over the top. I move in big ways! In fact, I am the proud recipient of the "Extatic, Raidiant, Beaming, Ritalin Needing, Friendly Greeting" Award! Although this is a silly joke from my peers in the High School Show Choir, at the time, it was very hurtful to me. As an adolescent, you become very keen and aware to how you can effect others and the consequences that come from your words and actions. For me, the consequences presented themselves in forms of name calling, ostracizing, odd looks, judgement, and all the self loathing that comes after. It is hard for a young person to understand and fully embrace their unique energy, because standing out often sets them up to be teased and critisized.
It's hard to understand the difference between self mastery and completely changing who you are. One day, I put up a sign by my bathroom mirror that read "Emily = Restraint". In my mind, the only way to avoid the negative consequences to my energy was to change myself. You can only inmagine how well that went. Oh how frustrating and discouraging it was! I would over-annalyze everything that came out of my mouth (how it came out, how it sounded, and what came out), every look and reaction that came as a result of my actions. It woud linger with me and it was paralyzing. No matter how well rehersed I was and in control of my behavior and energy, I felt so uncomfortable with myself. I really struggled developing friendships because I got in my own way. I felt like I was never able to let my gaurd down for fear of messing up. I even kicked myself out of groups and activities; convincing myself that people would rather not have me there and I'd be happier staying home, avoiding the situation altogether. The "Emily = Resraint" mantra was something that made me feel powerless. How can someone restrain their divine personality traits? This negative focus of restraint has been hard wired into my brain and is still something I am redefining in my adult life.
Since then, I have risen above many of my personal insecurities and proven to myself and others, that despite my sometimes large and inappropriate personality, I am capable of learning and developing skills with hard work. However, no diploma certificate or accilade can provide a lasting feeling of confidence and self worth. I put myself on the fitness stage as a professional with all the required certificates training and kowledge and still felt like I was not enough. It was mentally exhausting to teach classes at the gym. I had everything I needed to be successful, but felt like I wasn't privy to the rewards and results of consistent diligent work because I was just one of those people that nobody would ever take seriously or even like. There was no place in the industry for a person like myself unless I was able to master the art of mimicing other successful individuals.
This blog is so hard to write because it's so depressing! Here's where everything starts to change. I'm not quite sure when exactly my mind started to change, but I think throughout the years of teaching, one's hyperview of themselves tends to fade with maturity. We start to realize that the world doesn't revolve around us and we just try to do good. We learn to look outside of ourselves and serve others. I stopped asking myself "Am I good enough yet?" and started coming up with ways to just do good with what I've got; my knowledge, talents, experience, and unique loud personality. I realized that my energy was actually my greatest asset. My strength! It's about time I started tapping into it! Poor little teenage Emily only needed to learn how to focus and direct her energy. Yes, there are consequences to bringing energy at inappropriate times and ways, but those mistakes are not linked to my self worth and value. Oh no no no. I was learning just like any adolescent, that our words and actions effect others.
If I could go back in time to coach mini Emily, here's what I would have to say: You have the courage to stand out, work hard, and liven up a room. That is a strength! The efforts you make to do and be good may not always have the outcome you are looking for. You can't control that. Sometimes people are unkind. Stop wondering what you did wrong. You have nothing to do with it. Be patient, loving, and understanding. Give them grace for their failings as they give grace to you. Everyone is dealing with their own insecurities. Stop comparing! There is no possible way to do that. People are so different, and thank goodness for that! Just be the best you! That means being aware and kind to others. You can restrain your natural impulses to be big when someone needs the time to be seen and heard. That doesn't change who you are. You can show respect for the spaces that require silence. You can choose how and when to share your strengths, so you can show up as the best version of yourself. This is what makes impact; impact that you couldn't have made had you tried to fit into a mold you were not ment to fit into.
Comments